So Many Things

There are so many things I want to say, however I also don't know how to say them.  I say a million words in my word everyday, yet I say nothing when it comes down to writing it all down.  I want to kill people at work, I ultimately hate the human race.  Everybody annoys me.  People are evil.  People are fickle, cruel, and weak.  There is no such thing as a perfect world, everybody is vile, everybody is for themselves.  There is no honor or morality in this world, just the illusion of it spewing out of the mouths of the talking heads every night.  Juggling lies, delusions, and propaganda, all while looking us straight in the eyes as if they truly believe their own bullshit.  It's disgusting, it sickens me.

  Everyday I drudge on, going to this job I can't stand, surrounded by people I want to see dead, just to repeat it all over again, day after day, until I'm to old to move or think clearly, than I spend the few remaining years of my life in a mediocre existence until my heart stops working or I develop cancer and die painfully and often alone.  None of this seems appealing, none of this sounds like a good deal.  Yet I drone on, day after day, longing for this day when I can finally close my eyes forever and forget about this disease called life.  If I had the ability to release a virus that would eradicate the vast majority of the human race, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

  Nothing would bring me more satisfaction than to see everybody that has wronged me in my life, die, slow and painful deaths and world would go from constant noise and chaos, to complete silence.  Peacefulness. This would be nice, to finally calm my nerves and lay in complete relaxation and true isolation, laying by the lake on a not so sunny day and the cold crisp wind hits my face and the sun slowly seeps through my cheap sunglasses and the long and forgotten smile forms across my face and I can finally feel free.

  Free from it all, the work, the endless work, the horrendous schedule, the many faces I have to wear to appease the people above me and around me, so I can hold the privilege of remaining gainfully employed. Kiss the asses of the people who clearly despise me, smiling at me like the cheap and fake politician they are trying to be.  The mindless incompetent lemming i'm forced to play to cater to their ego, so they can alleviate themselves higher, using me as a stepping stone to get to where they need to be, than discarding me for someone cheaper and more lively, with a personality that better matches theirs, as to make their lives simpler and more enjoyable.

  It truly doesn't matter if I do the most stellar job imaginable, a 100% success rate, never fail, as long as I can make this person laugh, and be the five minute buddy they desire to alleviate their emotional status, to make them feel better about themselves.  As the old adage goes, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ― Maya Angelou.

  And that's what It all boils down too, how you make people feel.  You can be the shittiest fucking worker in the history of the world, but if you have extraordinary charismatic abilities, the ability to make people like you in an instant, well, you can get in the door anywhere.  It pains me to know this.  The drones good at technical work yet hold no social skills get shit on, while the fools that are good at talking and interacting with other fools, kissing each other's asses and really, doing nothing at all, but commanding others, get the money, the girls, the recognition, the respect, and the people that make it all happen, well they get whatever's left over.  It's sad, it's repulsive, it's disgusting.

  There is no point in being the technical expert unless you're a doctor, nurse, or health care worker.  Even then, you must endure years and years of seemingly endless school, exams, liberal communist man hating butch hair cut overweight old baby boomer 'professors', mountains of student loan debt, all in the effort to gain a 'chance' to work endless and undesirable hours for a paycheck that really isn't that much when you think about it.

  So what's the end game?  What's the solution?  I have no idea.  Subscribe to the insurmountable idea of trying to start a business?  Create trinkets to sell on esty, drop ship garbage for alibaba and aliexpress on a poorly crafted shopify store, try your luck in losing all your money in the stock market, go back to school racking up student debt in an effort to propel your life forward with another exuberantly expensive piece of paper in hopes of making just a little bit more money?

  Honestly, I have no idea how to fix this problem, and not many other's do as well.  Those that peddle this get rick quick, anybody can do it, you just have to 'change your mindset' bullshit on Youtube is lying to you.  It's not easy.  Not of the above mentioned escapes are easy.  So what to do?  I don't know, maybe i'll explore that in another post, another time.