One Mistake

One Mistake and it all falls apart.  One little thing, turns into a big thing, and before you know it, and inkling of respect you had with these people is gone.  Now let's face it, you haven't had any respect for yourself in a long time.  Along with the traumatic brian injury and the hormone deficieny, your life has been in shambles for a very, very long time.  Time has been blazing past, now you look in the mirror and your a middle aged man.  Still the mind of a child, seemingly only progressively getting worse with age.  You need to go on the medication, but you don't have any children yet, and it seems unlikely that you will be having any, anytime soon.  A depressing thought.  A sombering thought.  Knowing time is steadily passing by, ever so slowly, yet so fast, and before you know it, you'll be an old man, with nothing but regret to comfort him.  I look at my wife, and am just filled with pain and anguish.  This matrimony should have never came to fruitan. An unlikely thing that happened.  An unlikely couple.  riddled with nothing but pain, misery, heartache, and an overwhelming sense of sadness.  A part of me increasingly thinks we would be better off apart, at least she would.  Without me she gained friends.  Without me she gained a social life, and things seemed to be getting better for her.  Me on the other hand, well, I fell apart.  Trying to keep it together.  Trying to move through a world so hostile toward me.  A world where my mere existence is perceived as a threat to them.  I shouldn't exist, I shouldn't be here.  I shouldn't be alive.  It's such a huge incovience to these people.  People are evil and need to be destroyed.  I would blow up the world if I could.  We are truly a virus that no place in this universe.  The only solution to living is to fight.  The only solution to existing in a world not meant for you is to kill them all.  Kill them spiruatally, kill them socially, kill them in your mind.  You must drudge on, continuing your futile attempt at trying to escape the poverty that inflicts every aspect of your life.  Trying to escape the poverty of the mind, body, and soul that has plaqgued your heart ever since you could remember.  Something never seemed right.  You never seemed right.  There was always something there that made you think, that you were truly different.

The accident

It happened so long ago.  Only when I was a child do I remember the thing that propelled me toward a path of self destruction.  I'm talking about a brain injury.  Afterall, the brain is the sole mechanism for conscieness and the though os existence.  A was oustide my parents rental property in San Leandro, California.  In the backyard there was a small patio, elevated off the ground, roughly six feet, and me being the kid I was, fell off of it, hitting my head.  I laid there unconsious for a solid 15 minutes from what my mother tells me.  With her screaming and me laying there seemingly dead, I jumped back to life, screaming myself.  Little did I know this little incident would dictate my life until now.  I couldn't think, I could barely learn, I just couldn't be like the rest of the children.  I was defective.  So defective they sent me to the "special learning" classroom.  Filled with similar children that were slow, that couldn't comprehend information, that just couldn't learn like the rest of the kids.  I remember when they first brought me over there.  We were in class learning math.  There was a simple math problem, 7 x 3, and I couldn't make sense of it, in fact all of it.  I was struggling.  I couldn't think.  I couldn't comprehend.  My mind was in a constant haze.  Being able to nagivate throught the maze that was my mind took an extraordinary amount of will power and motivation, just to learn the simpliest of things.  The teacher noticed this, and approached me.  I get the feeling even now that she didn't want me there.  As if I was a burden to her perfect little class of exceptional students, and here I was, the one that made her look bad.  Of course she wanted to get rid of me.  I was to different.  I was just too broken.  So cast me aside, I'm defective.  The defective children go over there.  Out of sight, out of mind.  They will grow up to do menial jobs, forgotten from society, until the sands of time engulf their lungs and they suffocate from their own sadness and self despair.  Get rid of me.  You don't belong here.  you don't belong anywhere.  You are lost, because society doesn't want you here.  They never did.  You will never be like one of them.  You never can be.  A broken child, floating through life, just trying to gain acceptence anywhere you possibly can.  Compliments are few and far, smiles are a valued currency.  You aren't impressive, you aren't anything.  A broken mind, navigating through a broken society, so eager to eliminate you.  To disappear you from society.  An embarrassment, and utter disgrace. Your handlers will not be pleased.  You can't be brainwashed like they'd hoped.  Your mind is erratic, it's riddled with errors.  They don't want a problem. You are a problem.The broken ones are thrown in the trash of society.