One Mistake

How long can I keep this up?  How long can I continue doing this?  This life, this annoying life, filled with things I love and hate.  Everything annoys me, everything angers me.I'm numb. my brain hurts.  It's like something crushing my head together, squeezing my brain tighter and tighter until I slowly go mad.  The pain, the anger, the negative connotations going through my brain get worse, the only thing I can think of is killing everybody and everything I see.  I'm high strung, so high strung, I'm wound up like a clock.  I make people uncomfortable, I can sense them getting wound up like a clock, just like me.  The suttle body language a person does:  the neck rools and the closing of the eyes.  Sometimes a neck roll with the eyes closed just until the head rolls up toward the ceiling, than the eys open as if to signify, "I don't like this person, I can't wait for this to be over".  The deep breathes, the eys movements down, peering at the floor.  Me, staring directly into their eyes and them doing everything they can to avoid eye contact with me.  The quick glances into my eyes when I'm afar, and their eyes getting slightly bigger, their previous conversation with the other person beginning to be flustered, spotty, incoherent, the hand then brushing across their hair, and a quick head turn the other way.  All these things, all the time, I experience them.  I understand everybody's motives, intentions.  They think they are being subtle or perhaps not when they talk shit behind my back.  I can hear every word they say.  They aren't clever, and again, perhaps they arent' trying too.  This only leads my brain to get tighter and tighter, the hand clasping down my brain, ratcheting harder and harder down until I feel like I'm going to fucking snap.  "I don't think he's going to last", "a little, bitch", "that's an odd fellow isn't he?".  There are so many more.  It's everywhere I go, the shit talking, the back stabbing, the shitty, bad people, everywhere.  i can't escape it, I can't run from it.  i can fight, that's about all i can do.  But I freeze.  I could punch a hole through some of these people's faces, but i just, freeze.  They aren't good people.  These people are simple and weak.  People with no balls, no imagination, nothing.  Working the same safe job for years, and years.  In many cases 30+ years.  These people are simple.  They lack complexity.  I've noticed that people that have been places, done things, and experienced things many other of the population haven't, are usually the most down to earth, likable, relatable people ever.  The people who have done nothing, the small people, the people who have droned on and on and on for years and years and years doing the same thing over and over and over, are the biggest liers.  The fakers, the cheats, the snakes.  No honor.  Absolutely no honor.  I would like nothing more than to destroy these people's little lives.  To end everything they have worked their entire lives to accomplish.  I'd love to kill their families right in front of them, watch the lives drain from their eyes as the blood spatters across their empty faces.  The tears flowing down, as they watch their entire existence fall down to the ground, pooling the floor with what's left of their loved ones.  I've love to kill them all.  If I had a a vial of the world's most deadly virus that would completely eradicate the world's population including myself through a devastating airborne infection, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I'd love to see the world burn, I'd love to see them all die.  I want them to feel what I feel.  Empty, alone, isolated, discarded.  The black sheep, the villain, the eccentric, the person that just can't understand how these vile sick people drudge on day after day, hating everybody but themselves when they are truly the most vile, disgusting people I've ever met.  It was like this ever since I met my current wife.  Well, to be honest, it's always been like this, people have always walked all over me.  Perhaps it was the programming I received as child.  The codependency.  The low self esteem.  The lack of self respect.  I think that's it, no self respect because I've never had any.  A drone at the service to others. No more.